i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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