dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
