I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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