A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you