My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities