Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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