You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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