Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
