Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
