I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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