I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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