before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
My ATM looks so different sober.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
