i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
My butt remains clenched, sir.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
