I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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