i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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