Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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