I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
