He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
