the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
