I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
