You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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