i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
