new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
