I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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