Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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