Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
