My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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