chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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