dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
