mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
