Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
