you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
