i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
