Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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