my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
and you fell through a lawn chair
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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