Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
