Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
