I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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