bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
