i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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