just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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