Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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