If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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