if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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