I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
