Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My ass is underappreciated
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
