we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
