It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
