I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
