if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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