i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
