You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
