I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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