Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
