Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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