I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
