I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
