I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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