I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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