OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
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this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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