The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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